Confession..

I have to confess that I am not really feeling all warm and fuzzy about blogging anymore. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I am back to doing it. It will always be a struggle and I'm ok with that. I just want to focus on me, my family, my business, my art and my job.

I don't know.

Just wanted to get that out there.

That Damn Wagon!

Well, I fell off the wagon and it has left me far behind. I have made some half-assed attempts at catching the wagon and getting back on but no luck. I know there are multiple factors why I am having difficulties. I have the new photography business (Kerri Collins Photography) and that is taking all my available free time. I haven't quite figured out how to manage my time yet. How do I go workout when I could be editing and posting and marketing myself? It's hard to do that. I have also been eating like crap (literally speaking) because I think it is because I am exhausted and craving carbs. I have even started drinking Diet Coke again. BAAADD! When you eat crap and are sedentary....you don't lose weight. You even gain. I haven't gotten on the scale in weeks. I don't want to weigh myself because I know I have gained, I can feel it but I just can't get my head back in the game. I know it will happen. I'm not driving myself crazy over it either. Taking it day by day. I had my band loosened last Thursday. I was having trouble just drinking and would PB all the time. It was miserable. I started eating ice cream more because I had the urge to EAT and couldn't eat anything else. Sometimes your body needs to go through the motion of eating and when it doesn't...you want to eat MORE. Hallelujah, I can eat again. I have restriction and I think I am at a good spot for now.

I have also been neglecting blogs, so sorry! I need an assistant! :) Or just a husband that helps me more. 3 kids, full time job, my own business, keeping up with the house, tending to the husband (hint, hint) etc.....it's crazy and I am going crazy!

Note to self...

STOP EATING CRAP
GET YOUR ASS UP AND MOVE
DON'T PROMISE CLIENTS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T GIVE (time)
ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE HUMAN


P.S. BOOBS is quickly approaching! Stephanie will be blogging about my photography services available for BOOBS. Have you ever thought about having "glamour shots" (not the cheesy kind, more like modeling), professional portraits or even boudoir photos taken of yourself? If so, Chicago would be a great place to have them taken and I would LOVE to take them. Contact me if you would like to schedule a time or discuss in further detail! :)

I will....

I will workout today.

I will log my food.

I will workout today.

I will log my food.

I will workout today.

I will log my food.

I will treat my body with respect.

I will eat food that will fuel my body and brain.

I will succeed!

Hey YOU!

Yeah, you!!! I'm talking to you! Having 2 blogs is a PITA! I typed up a great post and put it in my photog blog, not this one and had to delete it. I thought I copied it so I could paste her but evidently not. Damn!

Let's begin!!!

I haven't exercised since Saturday. I have figured out that I am a bit in self-sabotage mode and the hormones are raging because Aunt Flo is visiting. Saturday was my first 5k that I was going to RUN. Not walk. I made it approx 2.5 miles and had to walk. I was hot, nauseaous and wanted to die. My legs felt like noodles and I just couldn't go any further so I walked a few blocks and then ran to the finish line. My 2010 time was 59 minutes and my 2011 time was 46 minutes. Yes, that is an awesome improvement and I am overall very happy with my time but I think deep down, I am punishing myself. I am working on it. I mean hell, I have figured out what the problem is instead of saying, "I dunno" while eating a gallon on ice cream. This weight loss stuff is hard as hell but ya know what's harder...getting inside our heads and figuring out why we do what we do. I'm trying!

I am honored to report that my blog was chosen as one of the Top 50 Bariatric Blogs. This is pretty damn cool because alot of my superhero bloggers are on the same list! YAHOO! Wow, someone is actually interested in my blog! I feel bad because I have been neglecting my blog so I can focus on my photog business. I will try to make a more conscious effort to make BOTH a priority!

Speaking of the photog business....Beth and Stephanie have both mentioned having me take some kick-ass photos of them at BOOBS. I would be honored. If anyone else is interested, please let me know. I love taking pictures so get your pose on ladies!!!

If you get a chance, please take a moment to LIKE my business page on FB. I am trying to get my name out! I really appreaciate it! Muah!!!!

Sneak Peek

I'm so sorry that I have been absent from my band blog. I have been so busy trying to get my photography business up and running. Check out my photography blog and let me know what you think. Leave me some love! Kerri Collins Photography

I have so much to talk about so I will be back tomorrow. Here is a teaser for tomorrow's post:

• Confession (Damn ice cream)
• My 1st 5K (Running)
• Aunt Flo and NOT wanting to exercise
• Much, much more!

See you all tomorrow. Much love!!!!

NSV

No, my butt is not cute like Macy's but I have a NSV to report.  At work today I went into one of the exam rooms to say HI to one of the mothers. I happen to be friends with her on FB too. She sees my posts about running and weight loss. So, I walk in the room and she says "You are looking really good". And I sincerely said THANK YOU. I accepted that compliment without hesitation. Not one bit. I needed to hear that. I LOVE hearing that. I thrive on compliments from others since (as we all know) sometimes it is hard to see the weight loss.

Comparison Photos

This photo was taken late spring 2009. Matthew won Student of the Year award and we were at his award ceremony and dinner. It was amazing and made us very proud. I can remember trying to use Matthew to hide behind. It didn't work so well. This weekend we attended a weekend. One year after the band and nearly 80+ lbs less. When I first saw this pic, I saw FAT. FAT, FAT, FAT. Will I ever be happy with the way I look? I don't know. A friend saw this pic and said OMG. She said it was a great pic and that I am clearly smaller so I decided to find an old photo (hard to find) to compare to. Now that I can see the pics together, I can see the difference. I love my band.

Poo-Poo

I have a little poo question for all you bandsters. What do you do to get enough Fiber in your diet? I can't eat fibrous fruits and veggies so I am having some issues in the bathroom department. :(

Hi

Just wanted to say Hi!

Ice Cream Therapy and Gardening

So.....there is this little ice cream shop here in town and they always have a little sign out front with a clever little saying to catch your attention and hopefully stop for some ice cream. Well, as you all know, ice cream is my drug and so I have been avoiding it like the plague. I wanted to share this little message that is currently on the sign because I think it is ironic and applies to the "OLD ME".

Let me start by saying, YES, this sign is TRUE but if you have ice cream therapy daily then you will eventually kill yourself or end up like me, working my ass off trying to get the weight off! I go to therapy and it is expensive but so is obesity. You have to buy bigger clothes and shop in "specialty stores". If you are depressed from the weight, you may take a medication which can be costly. It is truly a vicious cycle. I never want to be that way again and I won't allow it either.

 Boy, oh boy, gardening is easier and somewhat enjoyable when you can physically do it! In previous years my husband did it all and I just "supervised"! Put it there! Not there! To the left! To the right! But this year, nope, I did it.


My mom came to our house to help because I do not have a green thumb and am kinda plant retarded. So, I asked for her expertise. At first, I was a bit intimidated but soon I was practically rolling in the dirt. Digging out weeds left and right. Bending over, squatting, kneeling, up and down. You name it, I was doing it and I felt AWESOME afterward. It is so rewarding. I've been on the sidelines for so long and I don't want to be there any longer. I wasn't to DO not WATCH! It's amazing!




Macy sure enjoyed gardening too! :)

Happy FRIDAY and BYOC!

1. When is the last time you gave and got a compliment?



Yesterday I was given a compliment by one of our patients. She said I was looking good. Today I told my oldest son that he was a good brother to his sister.




2. What do you wear to bed?


PJ pants and an old, stained, ratty t-shirt! Comfy!




3. If you could pick your dream job – with no worries of shifts or money or bosses or commute – what would it be and where?


Photographer!


4. Okay – I’m not trying to start some huge controversy with this question but I have to put it out there. If you’re being honest – do you think staying at home or working outside the home is harder? Can you honestly recognize they are both equally hard? Even if you don’t have kids – have you heard others talk about the two professions judgementally?


I have 3 kids (15, 9 and 17 months) and am grateful to be able to go to work. Being a stay at home mom is just not for me. BOTH are equally difficult! I work full-time, manage 3 kid's lives, my life, the house, the hubby and am trying to get healthy in between! It's hard to balance it all but everyday I do my best!




5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.


This week has been pretty good even thought the scale didn't move on Tuesday (weigh-in day). I have continued to workout daily and log all the food I eat. I am feeling GREAT mentally and physically. Had a great therapy session on Tuesday and learned that I need to be less of a sponge and more of a rock. Everyday is a new day, new beginning and a new day to learn something new!


Have a GREAT weekend!

Be a Rock

BE MORE OF A ROCK AND LESS OF A SPONGE!

TAKE TIME TO DANCE AND PLAY IN THE RAIN!



Both photos I took and both photos can teach us a powerful message.

Behind The Camera

I feel most comfortable BEHIND the camera. Hidden. I hate that I do, but I just do.

Last night hubby and I went to a bachelor/bachelorette party. We went to a hotel (kid-free), had dinner and drinks, went to a comedy club, had more drinks, went to bed and then had brunch this morning. It was fun and the company was great but I felt out of place the entire time. I felt uncomfortable. I felt fat. I am, of course, the fattest person in the group of friends and even though I am smaller than what I was...I still feel OVER 300 lbs! Somedays I look at myself and see the changes and other days I see nothing but FAT. Well, yesterday was that day. People were snapping pics and I was in barely any. I just don't want to see myself. So I kept wondering if I will ever be happy with my body and my weight? I have this fat apron that will never go away without surgery. I have TERRIBLE bat arms that will never go away without surgery. Will I ever be happy and self-confident? Will I ever think someone is looking at me and admiring me rather than thinking something about my weight? "Look at that fat girl." It's fucked up thinking, I know but a lifetime of obesity and damage will not heal and repair in 1 year or 73lbs! I know this but when I get these thoughts in my head....it is hard as hell to get them out.

One last thing....I went to Target and tried on some workout shirts. TOO FREAKING SMALL (yes, even the 2xl). I HATE TIGHT CLOTHES so even though the 2xl "fit" I don't like TIGHT so my question is...where can I buy/order workout/running shirts that are made for "big girls" and that are also LONG enough to help conseal my fat apron?

100 lbs!

I stepped on the scale this morning. Just wanted to see the numbers and was pleased. YAY! I have to share that I am 0.2lbs from being 100lbs lighter than my heaviest documented weight. 100lbs! That's a lot of freaking weight.

September 2005 I joined WW. I had no idea how much I weighed because our home scale didn't go past 250. I knew it was a lot though. I went to my first meeting on a Saturday morning and nervously stepped on the scale. I wanted to die when I saw 362.2. 37.8 lbs from 400lbs. That's madness. Over the next 12 months I lost 62ish lbs and weighed in at about 300lbs on my wedding day. After the wedding I said I was gonna continue WW and made some half-hearted attempts but it just didn't click like the first time. Then I got pregnant and although I only gained 9lbs during the pregnancy, I knew I had to do something. So the Lap band was my option. I am so grateful for this band. Some days I hate it and want to eat everything under the sun but I know that would sabotage my weight loss efforts and how far I have come since getting the band. 73lbs. I may not like what I see when I look in the mirror. I may not like the excess skin. I may still consider myself fat but since losing 73lbs, I am now able to run. I can RUN 3 miles. That feels fucking fabulous!!!! I can feel the burn in my muscles and everyday I can feel my body getting stronger, it is amazing.

Last night my 9 year old gave me a hug and I realized that he was able to clasp his hands. He has NEVER been able to do that. EVER! We hugged for a long time because it felt so good. I was beaming! I know he is proud of me and that feels amazing.

Everyday I feel so good about myself and my accomplishments but everyday it hurts me so much that my husband won't say a word about how I look or how much weight I have lost. I try not to let it bother me but it does. It is driving a wedge between us. My heart hurts.

** I have told my hubby that I need him to tell me I am beautiful or that I have lost weight and he doesn't respond. I know he's not a touchy, feely kinda guy but I have made it VERY clear what I need from him. **

Running and Fitbit

I ran 3 miles tonight. Yep, 3 freaking miles. I did it without stopping and faster than what I ran on Sunday. I wanted to stop but I wouldn't allow it. I had to keep going. I have my first 5k on June 18th and I want to be ready. I've walked a couple 5k's but I want to run them from now on. Now, I have to tell you that I am a slow (turtle pace) runner. But I AM A RUNNER! I will get faster as my strength increases, my endurance increases and the weight decreases. I'm actually starting to like it. I have my iPod playing and I just run. There are muscles in my back that ache but that's ok, I know I am working them and working on getting thin and healthy. It feels good!

I am LOVING my Fitbit. I would strongly recommend it to anyone that is in the market. I wear it 24/7 and it calculates how many cals I have burned, how many miles I walked, how many steps I have taken. I manually input all the foods that I take in and make sure that I have a deficit. I wasn't using their program for food journaling but have switched over to them. Once you put in all your usual foods, it is SUPER DUPER easy! There are lots of charts and graphs and colors and numbers. So, it is fun to look at it. AND....everyday you try to beat or break even with the day before. Well, at least I do! :) I have my monthly support group meeting tomorrow night and the nutritionist would like me to talk about it since I like it so much. Since getting it, I have broken my stupid plateau AND LOST 8lbs!!! That's 8lbs in 2 weeks. Hallelujah!

Fitbit Question

Fitbit says I burned 2681 calories and I consumed 1017 cals so that is a deficit of 1664. Is this good? What is your opinion? Short and sweet!!! :)

Happy BANDiversary!!!

Happy Bandiversary! One year and 70lbs GONE...!!! At the time of the surgery I was hoping to lose 100lbs the first year but when I hit the 60-65lb loss mark, my weight loss came to a screeching halt. I was stuck in the 270's since January. 5 freaking months. Up and down in the 270's. It was really messing with my head and causing some serious depression. As you all know I saw a new primary doc last week and she ordered some labs and everything was okeedokee! I'm glad it was but knew that I needed to get to the bottom of this stall. I originally scheduled the appt to change or increase my depression meds but while talking to the Dr, she suggested trying to give the weight loss a boost in hopes that it would help with the depression. I was leary and a bit skeptical but willing to try anything. She prescribed Phentermine and I have been taking it since Thursday. I skipped Friday. It is helping me. I have a buttload more energy which then increases my activity level. It feels good. I do worry that once I stop it, I won't have that energy level but I am hoping that as more weight comes off and the more active I am, that I will continue to do so without the medication. I also purchased a Fitbit and that is working very well for me. I want to walk, walk, walk because I like seeing my cals burned go higher and higher. It is helping a LOT. I also have been using a different protein/meal replacement shake and that seems to be helping well too. I've made some changes and they are helping me soooo much. This morning I stepped on the scale and it was 267! A new decade and also a 70lb loss on my anniversary. How sweet is that?

And the Results Are.....

I got my results and my thyroid was NORMAL! WTF, NORMAL???!???!?? Well, I guess I can't blame the obesity, weightloss stal and depression on my dang thyroid. NOPE. Actually all my labs were fine. I mean, I should be happy, and I am but I was kinda hoping for some sort of medical issue. But NOPE.

So, whatchya gonna do, you ask????

Here is my plan:

1. I ordered a Fitbit and it should be here by the weekend. I need a little help figuring out how many cals I am taking in and how many I am burning. It is a fraction of the price of the BodyBugg and from what I have read, it is what I am looking for.
2. I am gonna use the Fitbit website to monitor my cal intake.
3. I am gonna MOVE 6 days per week, maybe even 7.
4. I am going to try a new protein shake by Body By Vi, Janelle is using it and has had good results, maybe this will help me get over my hump.

My question to all you bloggers is:

Would you try the phentermine that the Dr is recommending? Even short-term?

Thanks for encouraging me, I greatly appreciate it!!!

I'm Bummed!

That's me but I am crying inside. I weight myself every Tuesday and today I was down a WHOPPING .6lbs. .6lbs is FREAKING ridiculous. I have exercised 6 days this week. I keep my cals around 1200, I haven't eaten ice cream in over a week so WTF is the problem? I want to throw in the towel. I want to say FUKITOL and just stay at this weight. My 1 year bandiversary is next week (May 10th) and I have lost 64lbs in one year. Some will say that is great, some will say...umm, it's ok. Well, I am not happy with it. I wanted to lose 100lbs because I have so much to lose. I have been stuck in the 270's for all of 2011. It's depressing me. Please don't say that I am building muscle. I just don't get it.

I saw a new primary doc today and asked for help. I am depressed and the Prozac isn't working. We talked about options and she ordered some labs to make sure my thyroid isn't the problem and if the labs don't show anything she is going to prescribe phentermine. I'm not sure how I feel about it. She thinks that if I get a little boost in the weight loss it will help my mood. She says that since the Prozac has worked in the past maybe the weight loss stall is contributing to the depression. What do you guys think?

Oh and can someone please tell me how to do a little ticker that will keep track of the last time I ate ice cream? I'm really proud of that and want to share it with everyone!!!

1 Week!!!

It has been ONE week since ice cream has entered my pie hole! Yesterday was a struggle, I really wanted it and had to remind myself that if I ate it, I would have to REPORT it on my blog and how bad that would make me feel. I overcame the desire to eat ice cream and was able to succeed! Woo-freaking-Hoo!!!