F*cK IT!!!!!

I am so freaking over the scale and this weightloss. I have been stuck in the 270's for months. I work my ass off, watch every freaking calorie that goes in my mouth and still NOTHING! Maybe I am destined to weigh 270-something. I have a personal trainer, exercise 5 days a week doing the C25K training AND eat 1,000 cals per day yet I am still in the 270's. I just want to SCREAM! Seriously! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't do this anymore. The mind fucking that the scale does is too much to handle. I am throwing in the towel. I hate the scale, I hate EVERYTHING today! F*CK IT!!!!!!!

CaRbS

Carbs suck! Is it just me or does this happen to others? If I am really good, stay on track and avoid CRAP foods (like carbs) then I "crave" them less. If I take a bit of something "naughty" I want MORE and MORE and MORE! Why? Is this just me? Is this just in my little head? Damn you Carbs!

Round Face

Over the past 2 weeks I have lost 6lbs. I am hoping that I reach the 260's next week. I have been stuck in the 270's for the past 2 freaking months. It is frustrating as hell. I reached out to a band buddy who recently reached 100lbs lost and asked for her advice. Well, I actually asked her how the hell she did it. She eats approx 1,000 cals per day which are mostly protein and exercises...a LOT! So, I have been following that advice and guess what.....IT WORKS. I am eating 1,000 cals or less per day. Exercising 4-5 days per week, burning approx 600 cals per "exercise day". I restarted with my personal trainer too. I feel good. I am starting to see subtle changes but I still dislike my body. My belly is too flabby, I have a fat apron, I have a shelf butt and I have bat wings. It sucks! People take pictures of me and I hate them. I rarely, rarely ever LIKE a picture of myself. If you are friends with me on FB you will see a million pics of my family and VERY FEW of me. I guess I better start talking to the therapist about my self image. Speaking of therapist. I met with my new therapist last week and I like her. She has experience with emotional eating. Not personal but work experience. She said that she worked at Wellspring in CA. It is a "fat camp" for kids. She let me borrow a book but I haven't started reading it yet. I will, I will....gosh!

I picked the above picture because I just love it and because I need a little help. I have a ROUND face! No matter how thin I am, my face is round. I see women that are overweight but by looking at their face, you can't tell. I am envious of those women. I wish I had a thinner or "less round" face but I do. I hate it. I really hate it! Note to self...mention to therapist.

I am week 3, day 2 of C25k training. It is becoming more difficult but I am hanging in there. I really want this weight to come off and I really want to be able to run a 5k in June. I know I can do this. "I think I can, I think I can". HaHa!

Blow Pop

I may have found a way to ease my occasionally overwhelming urge to eat the contents of the entire kitchen.....drum roll please....BLOW POPS! Yep, Blow Pops are becoming my new drug of choice. I was eating ice cream like it was going out of style and until I can figure out why I want to eat gallons and gallons of ice cream, I have decided to try something that will satisfy my sweet tooth and need to chew. I am keeping my hands and mouth occupied and therefore...not eating ice cream or any other dangerous food. So far...so good.

Let's talk about BOOBS for a moment....I love me some BOOBieS! Hahaha! So, who is planning on attending?

Binge!!!

Hello my name is Kerri and I am addicted to food! "HELLO KERRI". I am also addicted to binging. I read an AWESOME post today about binging and you know what.....it helped me! This is the post. It has haunted me all day but in a GOOD way. I am so grateful for this post. I may have to read it daily.

In response to some recent comments to my posts....

I have GREAT restriction in my band. I chose to do the 5 Day Pouch Test because I was eating TERRIBLY. 1/2 gallon of ice cream every 2 days. (There I said it) I was CRAVING CRAP and EATING CRAP so I wanted to "DETOX" and I had heard about this and wanted to try it. Prior to the test my band was a smidge looser probably because I was stuffing my face with food all the time but now it is back to it's happy "little" self. I do not need a fill and if I went for a fill, the Dr would say NO and tell me to make better food choices instead. So, that is what I am doing.

Peace Out!

Little Ass

Last night was Day2, Week 1 of my C2K training. I started with the bike for 15 mins (-50 cals), elliptical 30 mins (-250 cals) and then the treadmill 20 mins (-250 cals). Pretty damn good workout. Felt good and I am trying so damn hard not to binge today even though my stupid head is telling me to EAT! Anyway, back to the C2K and the treadmill. So I am on the treadmill and I choose the treadmill without the TV because I hate seeing myself in the screen and like to listen to my music. I am walking and running and there is this "little hottie" on the treadmill in front of me. Now, I have to warn you....this is not a lesbian post....I love my hubby but this girl was a hottie!!! Every time I would run, I focused on her ass or her shoulders. Weird right?!? Hey, it got me through the end and I think that is all that matters. Don't ya think? I just kept thinking about how little her butt was and every time I wanted to give up I looked at her little rump and thought...."You have to run if you want an ass like that". And so.....I ran. Well, I walked too but I didn't give up!! So, call it what you will...lesbian inner self or motivation to get a nice little ass. :)

I finished the 5 Day Pouch Test. Did it do anything? Well, yes. I have more restriction and that feels good but the scale....OMG I want to kill the scale. It is back at 278 this morning. Granted Aunt Flo is visiting but gimme a break. Doesn't the scale know how much it sucks when the numbers don't go down? I am taking a break from my scale, until Monday. I hope, hope, hope that I get a good number on Monday! Ok, take care all my blog buddies!!! BTW, find me on FB, if you want!!!

Arrggghhh!!!

Yes, this is how I felt during Day 1 of the 5 Day Pouch Test. I am feeling better today but yesterday was HELL! I was grouchy, hungry, jittery...just plain miserable. But today is a new day...! A bright sunny day with a nice lower number on the scale. Yesterday I was 280, today 274.8. I am pleased. I worked out last night too. 30 mins on the elliptical and about 11 mins on the treadmill. I ran most of it. I am trying to prepare for a 5k in June. My goal is to run the entire thing.

There was a comment about my 5 Day Pouch Test and why I am doing it. I am doing this to get back on track. Detox from my carb overload lately. Get re-focused on my goal and treat my band with respect. I am getting back to the band basics and hopefully losing a few lbs in the process.

I purchased a book from Amazon. It is called: "Bandwagon: Strategies for Success With the Adjustable Gastric Band". Has anyone read it? Any reviews?

Ugh!

I have started the 5 Day Pouch Test today. I am so stinking hungry but I am listening to my body and drinking my protein shake when I get the hunger pangs. I needed to get back on track and back to the basics because I have been eating like crazy. Emotional eating, boredom eating, happy eating, "just because" eating...you name it, I had a reason to eat. My drug of choice is ice cream and unfortunately it is a "slider". I am feeling like I am non in control of my eating and therefore starting the 5 day pouch test to get control again. I also have not been exercising routinely and am going back tonight. I'm not trying to make excuses but it is hard as hell to workout. First, find the motivation and energy after working all day. Second, getting all 3 kiddos to go without at least one throwing a fit. Third, feeding all the kids prior to working out since I workout in the evenings. Fourth, dealing with the guilt that my 1 year old cries nearly the entire time she is in childcare because she hates it. Fifth, getting all the kids home in time for bed, snack and still do some of the housework before falling into bed. There you have at least 5 reasons why sitting on the couch after work is so much easier (physically and mentally). It will be easier when the weather is nice and I can put the little one in the stroller and just go walk or run.

This is such a mental game. Every stinking day is a mental struggle not to go eat everything under the sun. Some days I try to eat everything and some days I am ok. I know that blogging helps me. It helps me get all the struggles and feelings out instead of shoving them deeper inside and then covering it with food. I have to stop this otherwise I will have gotten the band for no reason and will eat myself to death. There are so many reasons why I want to be thinner but sometimes those reasons get pushed so far down that I can't find the strength to stop the urges of wanting to eat. I wonder if a medication used to decrease impulsivety would help with us over eaters. We mostly eat impulsively, don't we?

I am seeing a therapist nest Wednesday. She supposedly has experience with eating disorders and addiction so I am hoping that she can help me. Are there any good books that anyone can recommend? I need something. I am desperate.

My weight today: 280 (6 lb gain). Now you all know and I am being accountable. I will be back tomorrow.