I have started the 5 Day Pouch Test today. I am so stinking hungry but I am listening to my body and drinking my protein shake when I get the hunger pangs. I needed to get back on track and back to the basics because I have been eating like crazy. Emotional eating, boredom eating, happy eating, "just because" eating...you name it, I had a reason to eat. My drug of choice is ice cream and unfortunately it is a "slider". I am feeling like I am non in control of my eating and therefore starting the 5 day pouch test to get control again. I also have not been exercising routinely and am going back tonight. I'm not trying to make excuses but it is hard as hell to workout. First, find the motivation and energy after working all day. Second, getting all 3 kiddos to go without at least one throwing a fit. Third, feeding all the kids prior to working out since I workout in the evenings. Fourth, dealing with the guilt that my 1 year old cries nearly the entire time she is in childcare because she hates it. Fifth, getting all the kids home in time for bed, snack and still do some of the housework before falling into bed. There you have at least 5 reasons why sitting on the couch after work is so much easier (physically and mentally). It will be easier when the weather is nice and I can put the little one in the stroller and just go walk or run.
This is such a mental game. Every stinking day is a mental struggle not to go eat everything under the sun. Some days I try to eat everything and some days I am ok. I know that blogging helps me. It helps me get all the struggles and feelings out instead of shoving them deeper inside and then covering it with food. I have to stop this otherwise I will have gotten the band for no reason and will eat myself to death. There are so many reasons why I want to be thinner but sometimes those reasons get pushed so far down that I can't find the strength to stop the urges of wanting to eat. I wonder if a medication used to decrease impulsivety would help with us over eaters. We mostly eat impulsively, don't we?
I am seeing a therapist nest Wednesday. She supposedly has experience with eating disorders and addiction so I am hoping that she can help me. Are there any good books that anyone can recommend? I need something. I am desperate.
My weight today: 280 (6 lb gain). Now you all know and I am being accountable. I will be back tomorrow.
Chapter 38: This one is for me
2 weeks ago