Sunday, May 22, 2011

Behind The Camera

I feel most comfortable BEHIND the camera. Hidden. I hate that I do, but I just do.

Last night hubby and I went to a bachelor/bachelorette party. We went to a hotel (kid-free), had dinner and drinks, went to a comedy club, had more drinks, went to bed and then had brunch this morning. It was fun and the company was great but I felt out of place the entire time. I felt uncomfortable. I felt fat. I am, of course, the fattest person in the group of friends and even though I am smaller than what I was...I still feel OVER 300 lbs! Somedays I look at myself and see the changes and other days I see nothing but FAT. Well, yesterday was that day. People were snapping pics and I was in barely any. I just don't want to see myself. So I kept wondering if I will ever be happy with my body and my weight? I have this fat apron that will never go away without surgery. I have TERRIBLE bat arms that will never go away without surgery. Will I ever be happy and self-confident? Will I ever think someone is looking at me and admiring me rather than thinking something about my weight? "Look at that fat girl." It's fucked up thinking, I know but a lifetime of obesity and damage will not heal and repair in 1 year or 73lbs! I know this but when I get these thoughts in my is hard as hell to get them out.

One last thing....I went to Target and tried on some workout shirts. TOO FREAKING SMALL (yes, even the 2xl). I HATE TIGHT CLOTHES so even though the 2xl "fit" I don't like TIGHT so my question is...where can I buy/order workout/running shirts that are made for "big girls" and that are also LONG enough to help conseal my fat apron?


  1. Hang in there...the feelings go up and down but you will like to be in photos soon enough :) and those workout shirts will soon be Too big!!


  2. I just started being comfortable in front of the camera. I think the thing you need to focus on right now is the fact that you have a husband that loves you. And friends that love you. They don't care that you were the "fattest person there" they only care that you were there! Try to focus on that for now, and in time you will start to like what you see in pictures. Try loving who you are on the inside, and accepting that you are making the changes that you need to on the outside.

  3. JC Penney has great workout pants/capris. It's their SJB Active line. I *LIVE* in them. As for shirts...I've found that my favorite ...LONG... t-shirts come from the Gap. Short shirts is a HUGE pet peeve of mine so I know exactly what you are talking about. For regular shirts...I love the length of the Vera Wang shirts/tanks at Kohls.

    I had a fat weekend too...must have been the barometric pressure or something. ;)

  4. I'm so sorry. I hate when our inner selves get us down and we can't enjoy the fun times happening around us. I do it too and I wish I didn't!

    I always worked out in regular T-shirts. I would stock up when I found a one time I they were having a sale at the IU bookstore and since I am a Hoosier fan, I bought like 4 3x shirts and wore the heck out of them. It was a happy day when I moved on out of those.