This is my journey from being obese to healthy and everything in between! I was banded on May 10th and this is my story!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Behind The Camera
I feel most comfortable BEHIND the camera. Hidden. I hate that I do, but I just do.
Last night hubby and I went to a bachelor/bachelorette party. We went to a hotel (kid-free), had dinner and drinks, went to a comedy club, had more drinks, went to bed and then had brunch this morning. It was fun and the company was great but I felt out of place the entire time. I felt uncomfortable. I felt fat. I am, of course, the fattest person in the group of friends and even though I am smaller than what I was...I still feel OVER 300 lbs! Somedays I look at myself and see the changes and other days I see nothing but FAT. Well, yesterday was that day. People were snapping pics and I was in barely any. I just don't want to see myself. So I kept wondering if I will ever be happy with my body and my weight? I have this fat apron that will never go away without surgery. I have TERRIBLE bat arms that will never go away without surgery. Will I ever be happy and self-confident? Will I ever think someone is looking at me and admiring me rather than thinking something about my weight? "Look at that fat girl." It's fucked up thinking, I know but a lifetime of obesity and damage will not heal and repair in 1 year or 73lbs! I know this but when I get these thoughts in my head....it is hard as hell to get them out.
One last thing....I went to Target and tried on some workout shirts. TOO FREAKING SMALL (yes, even the 2xl). I HATE TIGHT CLOTHES so even though the 2xl "fit" I don't like TIGHT so my question is...where can I buy/order workout/running shirts that are made for "big girls" and that are also LONG enough to help conseal my fat apron?