Direction...reverse!

Speaking of decisions, I am kinda stuck and taking a few steps in the WRONG direction! Since starting solids I have gone downhill. I just can't stop eating! I eat when I am not hungry. I don't have restriction so I don't have the band screaming at me to STOP! I called my surgeon's office yesterday and asked if I could get a fill sooner than June 21st. NOPE! Ugh....that sucks! I feel like I am going to fail with the band and that I am going to be fat for the rest of my life. I know I am in "bandster hell" but this really sucks! I feel so lost and confused on what I am supposed to eat. No carbs, low carbs......AHHHHHH! WTF!?! If I knew how to eat right, I wouldn't be fat! Right?!? When I spoke with the dietitian yesterday, he didn't give me that much advice either. So, I am going to try to get BACK on the WAGON tomorrow! It's been hotter than heck here so I have not wanted to go for a walk, but tomorrow....I will! Someone, please hold me accountable! I need someone to crack that whip! I know it will get better...it has to get better. I have to lose weight or I will die! So tomorrow I will make GREAT choices! I will eat 1,000-1,2000 calories. Plenty of protein and carbs in moderation! Sound good? I hope so!

I would like to say HEY to my 13 followers! Thank you all for your support! I appreciate all comments and could use some encouraging words and a few words to get my butt moving! Thanks again!!! :-)

FRiDaY! YIPPEE!

Happy Friday!!!

Last night I went clothes shopping...the one thing I hate most! I needed a new outfit for my hubby's graduation dinner tonight. I waited until the last possible minute, I know. I procrastinate. I am also a mother and it is hard as hell to do anything that revolves around me. I went to Catherine's, a plus size store. It took forever AND the baby cried and my son bitched and moaned the entire time. I am not thrilled with the outfit that I bought so I am leaving work a smidge early today and going to run to Avenue (another plus size store) to see if I can find something that I like a bit better. This time I am NOT bringing the kids. I asked Macy's sitter if she can keep her for a bit while I run around and Matt will be at school. I am so proud of my husband! 5 years of apprenticeship school for plumbing and he did it! He's a great guy!!!

Let's talk about weight loss. I am weighing only once a week and that will be Mondays. I know that if I see a gain that I beat myself up and sabotage my weight loss efforts. Ugh! So, obviously I am fat for several reasons. I don't really know what to eat and I don't know how many calories I should be consuming. The dietitian didn't spend a great deal of time with me. I am eating 3 meals a day and only snacking if I am absolutely physically hungry. I only when I am hungry. Here is what I ate yesterday:

• Breakfast: Weight Control Oatmeal (1 packet)
• Lunch: Tuna Salad (5-6 forkfuls), Refried Beans (1 cup) w/ sprinkle of cheese, Salmon (1-2 oz)
• Dinner: Sloppy Joes with Turkey meat (2 sandwiches WITHOUT the buns), Green Beans (1/2 cup), Fries (Handful)
• Water (2 liters)
• No exercise yesterday :-(

I have absolutely NO restriction and am able to eat nearly anything (haven't tried everything) and a fairly large quantity. I stop myself when I think that I am "satisfied" even though I would love to eat a LOT more! I am still struggling with head hunger and emotional urges to eat but I have done really well with distracting myself and it goes away. Wednesday I was gonna go crazy and eat cereal and whatever else I could find but instead I watched Amy W.'s vlog and it kept me from binging! Thank you Amy W.!

Speaking of  Amy W., I have been reading all of her old posts and they are so inspiring and funny! I think she needs her own TV show because she would definitely have at least one viewer, ME! She started her weight loss journey at nearly the same weight as me and so that makes me hopeful that I can make it to my goal weight! So, big thanks to AMY W.!

Have a Great Friday Everyone!

One Day at a Time

I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. He took the staples out, thank goodness! Those little suckers were starting to tug when I walked and held the baby so they were ready to come out. My son even got to take one out. I like my surgeon. He pays attention to my kids, which is nice. So, anyway I got weighed and have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. That's great but in my mind it isn't good enough. I want to see more come off. I have read people posting that they have lost 20+ on the pre-op diet alone. See, this is just another reason I am FAT! I never think my efforts are good enough and then that leads me to self-destructive behavior....EATING! I tell myself that 12 pounds is great and that my body is adjusting to the shock of eating well but my mind says...you must be doing something wrong. So, everyday I am struggling with those thoughts and trying not to let them get to me. It's hard but I have to do it.

The doc reminded me that my band is wide open and instructed me to restart solids, but slowly! I had tuna salad on Monday night with refried beans. That was WONDERFUL. Everything went down fine and that leads to another problem....I can potentially eat all the things that get me into trouble. I liked NOT knowing that my band was wide open. I liked thinking that things would get stuck. I know there is still a small chance something can get stuck but chances are slim. I am still able to eat fast. I am able to take regular bites. Getting my first fill can't come quick enough! I am scared! I am so scared that I will fall off the wagon one day and just eat. It is hard as hell to ONLY EAT WHEN HUNGRY! I am following that rule but I don't know how long I will be able to without knowing that the band is there to help me. Day by day...right!?!

To all the people that think that WLS is "the easy way out"....FUCK OFF! (sorry for the language) This surgery certainly was not easy! I now have 3 scars on my belly that will be there FOREVER. Every minute of the day I have to fight the urge to eat. I am constantly telling my mind NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE THAT. I have to THINK about my food choices because there are foods I cannot eat. This is not easy. I think that WLS takes courage and strength (although I am still searching for mine). One day at a time...

These are just some of my crazy thoughts...sorry for rambling but I gotta get this crap out of my head so that it doesn't consume me and I end up over eating! I hate you food....why do you have to taste (feel) so good?!?

5 Days Post-Op

Hey everyone! Well, it's Friday, day 5 post-op and I am feeling pretty good. Still can't carry my baby a lot but slowly getting there. I will be glad when the staples come out on Monday because now I can feel them tugging. Yummy! I felt my first hunger pangs today at lunch time. I drank my protein shake and they went away. I feel something in my tummy now but can't figure out if it is hunger or gas. I will wait a little while before my next protein shake to be certain that it is hunger. I weighed myself today and it showed a 2 pound loss from the day of surgery. That sucks! I have been consuming 3 protein shakes and water daily and have only lost 2 pounds! WTF! My belly is still swollen so I am trying not to obsess about it. I hope the scale at the surgeon's office shows a loss on Monday. I want to see the weight start coming off so I know that I made the right decision by getting the Lap-Band!

Lap-Band Battle Wounds

These are my battle wounds! The largest incision has been the most painful, I am assuming that is where my lovely little port is! Darn stinker already causing problems.

Still not hungry! More gas today....starting to belch and fart (excuse my french) more frequently. I was sitting at the table with the family for dinner, they had spaghetti and I had a yummy protein shake, I let out the longest belch ever. I had to apologize!

Ibuprofen definitely helps with the discomfort and doesn't make my mind as foggy as the Lortab. I have already had a little issue with cravings even though I am not hungry. I want to just lick some foods to get a "taste" but not eat it. I didn't do that though. I know it will take time for my mind to adjust. One day at a time!

I am banded!

We arrived at the hospital yesterday at 10:45, surgery scheduled for 12:45. I was weighed and had lost 6 pounds! That was exciting. They got me ready for surgery, IV and a million questions. I was taken into the OR a little before 1:00. I was given some oxygen then given the injection to put me to sleep. Nighty night! I woke a little later 2:00. The surgeon said everything went well! I was taken to the second stage of recovery a little after 3:00 and reunited with my husband.  I was ready to go home around 5:00 even though I was super groggy! Well, I had to pee for them in order to leave and couldn't! I walked and walked and thought about pee, still nothing until 8:00 when the nurse called my surgeon and told him! He said to give me wide open IV fluids and give it a little more time! I finally peed at almost 8:30 and they said I could go home. Thank goodness! I was so tired and just wanted to go home! We finally got home at almost 10:00! Yuck! My pain is on my right side of my stomach area. I think that's where my port is. Well, that little shit is causing all my pain. I would be only slightly sore if it weren't for the port spot but NO! I don't have any gas pain and am only burping a little. No shoulder or diaphragm pain at this point. Thank goodness. I have only taken sips of water and had a protein shake this am. I was a little worried about try something. Last night I took a regular size drink and then felt nauseated and burped. That will take time getting used to, the small sips. I am used to "chugging" my water! I am also not hungry so do I still "eat" something? I am on full liquids until Monday when I see my surgeon to follow-up. I slept like shit because I could only lay on my back! Ugh!

I will post a pick of my beautiful battle wounds later today. I know you will all be excited to see them! HAHA!

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow I get banded! 12:45 p.m. C.S.T.  I am slightly excited, a little nervous and anxious. My 8 year old son is very worried that I won't come home tomorrow night. I have to admit that I am a little worried that I won't come home either. I am trying not to think that way and trying to remember that this surgery is saving my life. I have been reading the book 'Fighting Weight' by Khaliah Ali. She had the Lap-Band several years ago and the book has made me feel good about my decisions and what the future holds. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my "healthy" life. That is exciting!

Goodnight all! Wish me luck and say a little prayer that I return to my family safely!

My List

So a very wise veteran bander (Catherine) recommended that I make a list. A list of things to do when I wanna stuff my face and/or a list of reasons why I don't want to cheat. So, I decided to make a list of all the things that I want or wish for when I lose all this excess weight. So, here is my list:

1. I want to walk into a room with confidence not self-conscious because I am fearful that everyone is looking at me wondering who "the fat chick" is.

2. I want to be able to dance! In public without thinking that people are looking at me like I am a overstuffed sausage out on the dance floor.

3. I want to buy clothes at a store! I don't want to be limited to the "fat women" stores. I also don't want to have to buy my work uniforms online because I can't get a large enough size in the store.

4. I want to wear CUTE clothes. I want to wear CUTE bras and undies! I want to have matching bras and undies that are CUTE!

5. I want to shop at Victoria's Secret, in my 34 years on this planet I have never ever shopped at a Victoria's Secret! I want to walk into VS without feeling self conscious!

6. I want to go clothes shopping for my boys at those cool shops and not feed self-conscious that the teeny bopper salesperson is wondering why the fat girl is in their store because there is no way in hell that my fat ass is gonna fit in anything in the store.

7. I want to buy lingerie and feel sexy with my hubby! I want my hubby to think I am sexy. I want my hubby to put his arms around me. I want him to feel good about walking into a room with me on his arm. I want to have sex in positions that only thin people can do. (TMI)

8. I want to be able to sit in a chair and not have to think about the weigh limit.

9. I want to go on amusement park rides.

10. I want to see my kids grow up and have the energy to play with them. I want them to see me accomplish something so that they know they can do anything....if they really want it bad enough! I want my kids to be proud of me and to not be ashamed of their fat mom. I want my daughter (and my boys) to learn healthy eating habits so that they NEVER spend a single day overweight.

There you have it....MY LIST! I am sure there are more things to add to this list and it will be modified along my journey but for now, this is it.

Yesterday I did GREAT on my pre-op diet and today I did pretty good. I did have 3 handfuls of Fruit Loops BUT I didn't go over my designated 800 calories so I am OK! I haven't started exercising yet but it's difficult with a 4 month old baby and a husband that is never home to take care of her so I can go for a walk. Yes, I can take her with me but the weather has been cold and rainy AND she has a cold so I don;t want to take her out. I know, excuses excuses...I will TRY to take a walk tomorrow. I really wanted to eat today. BAD! Since Macy is sick she has been a handful and the added stress is a trigger for me but somehow I made it through without eating! Thank goodness. My lovely husband also ordered pizza tonight and that was a HUGE temptation but I didn't buckle under the pressure. The pizza smelled damn good though! I got a little irritated with him for ordering because he knows I can't eat it but I also understand that he needs to eat too. See, he has a "normal" brain when it comes to food. He doesn't think about food constantly like I do. He thinks of food when he is hungry and stops thinking about it when he is no longer hungry. I think about it morning, noon and night! That's why I am fat! Ok, I have to hit the hay. Goodnight! Hugs!

I FELL HARD...trying to pick myself up!

So, as you all know, I am on my pre-op diet which consists of 3 protein shakes, broth, jello, popsicles and water. YUM, I know! Well, I am having one heck of a time with the protein shakes. I had read on LBT that I should be consuming the whey protein shakes, not soy. I personally enjoy the soy protein shakes. Herbalife has really yummy shakes that are low in calories and carbs. They don't have a really high amount of protein but with the added protein from milk and the protein powder I should have no problem getting the required amount of protein in everyday! Anyway, I have been a little physically hungry but more "head hungry". Which really sucks. Yesterday I FELL HARD....

I did fine with my pre-op diet at work but when I got home, I ate and ate and ate! I had 2 small bags of chips, ice cream, a donut and 2 bowls of cereal! DISGUSTING! I know!  After I ate it all, I felt terrible. I was depressed, pissed, etc! I kept questioning whether or not I should have the surgery and whether or not all these cRaZy food thoughts would ever go away. I even had a hard time sleeping last night because of the guilt! What also fueled my guilt was that I read on LBT that someone was cheating on her pre-op diet and the multiple responses were that she shouldn't get the band because if she couldn't stick to the pre-op diet, she wouldn't be able to follow the post-op diet! Is this true? I know if my stomach is banded I will not be able to eat like that! I can certainly make poor food choices but I certainly will not be able to eat THAT much! I plan on changing the way I eat too. Proteins first, then veggies and by then I should be full I am trying to focus on only eating when I have hunger pangs! I am trying to stop my thoughts of food and remind myself why I am doing this.

I talked to the nurse from my surgeon's office, so nice, and she reassured me that it would be ok. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. I am super hard on myself. I get upset with myself and then I stuff my face with anything I can find. I guess I am punishing myself! Why....??? I guess the Lap-Band is forcing my brain to start thinking differently. I am only 4 days in...for goodness sakes! Please tell me that this is all normal. That I will succeed! That I can do this!

Pre-Op: Day 1....This SUCKS!

So, I started my lovely pre-op diet today and it sucks! I am soooo freaking bitchy. I also had a headache all day. The headache is my fault for stopping caffeine cold turkey! UGH!!! I tried the EAS protein shake this morning and it wasn't bad but by the third shake tonight....I wanted to vomit! I have to find some other protein shake! I did eat some almonds today even though I am supposed to be on a liquid only diet but I needed something to eat! Not eating food is making me wonder if I can really do this. Will I be ok with NEVER being able to OVEREAT again? That's fudged up thinking right? "Normal" people don't think about food constantly! Will I ever be "normal"? Will I ever have "normal" thoughts about food? I hope this band will help me! Someone please tell me it will! Please tell me I am not alone because right now I want to go eat EVERYTHING in the kitchen..maybe even the kitchen sink!

Last BIG Meal!

We went to Olive Garden for dinner tonight. A farewell to my current way of eating! Goodbye Diet Coke........You will be missed!!!!

Goodbye pasta and breadsticks!!!

Goodbye desserts...you will be missed!!!

So, there you have it....my last big dinner! We are going to breakfast in the morning and then planning on having burgers (veggie) tomorrow for dinner...then I start my pre-op diet! Woo-Hoo!!! I'm so excited, I just can't hide it.....

May 1st!!! Uh-huh!

Can you see me doing the happy dance? Well take a moment to visualize it! Ok, now schedule an appointment with your therapist to help erase that terrible image from your mind! Hey, have you noticed how much I love exclamation marks?!? Yup, that's right...I love 'em! Ok, moving on...

Today is May 1st....9 more days until I get banded. Less than 2 days from starting my pre-op diet! So HAPPY!!!

Going to dinner tonight with my hubby and the kiddos, Bec, Jon and Travis! We are going to Olive Garden. Yup, gonna enjoy the breadsticks for the last time. Gonna enjoy some manicotti for the last time. Gonna get a dessert too! I can't wait!

Yummy!