Wednesday, May 19, 2010

One Day at a Time

I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. He took the staples out, thank goodness! Those little suckers were starting to tug when I walked and held the baby so they were ready to come out. My son even got to take one out. I like my surgeon. He pays attention to my kids, which is nice. So, anyway I got weighed and have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. That's great but in my mind it isn't good enough. I want to see more come off. I have read people posting that they have lost 20+ on the pre-op diet alone. See, this is just another reason I am FAT! I never think my efforts are good enough and then that leads me to self-destructive behavior....EATING! I tell myself that 12 pounds is great and that my body is adjusting to the shock of eating well but my mind must be doing something wrong. So, everyday I am struggling with those thoughts and trying not to let them get to me. It's hard but I have to do it.

The doc reminded me that my band is wide open and instructed me to restart solids, but slowly! I had tuna salad on Monday night with refried beans. That was WONDERFUL. Everything went down fine and that leads to another problem....I can potentially eat all the things that get me into trouble. I liked NOT knowing that my band was wide open. I liked thinking that things would get stuck. I know there is still a small chance something can get stuck but chances are slim. I am still able to eat fast. I am able to take regular bites. Getting my first fill can't come quick enough! I am scared! I am so scared that I will fall off the wagon one day and just eat. It is hard as hell to ONLY EAT WHEN HUNGRY! I am following that rule but I don't know how long I will be able to without knowing that the band is there to help me. Day by day...right!?!

To all the people that think that WLS is "the easy way out"....FUCK OFF! (sorry for the language) This surgery certainly was not easy! I now have 3 scars on my belly that will be there FOREVER. Every minute of the day I have to fight the urge to eat. I am constantly telling my mind NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE THAT. I have to THINK about my food choices because there are foods I cannot eat. This is not easy. I think that WLS takes courage and strength (although I am still searching for mine). One day at a time...

These are just some of my crazy thoughts...sorry for rambling but I gotta get this crap out of my head so that it doesn't consume me and I end up over eating! I hate you food....why do you have to taste (feel) so good?!?

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