So a very wise veteran bander (Catherine) recommended that I make a list. A list of things to do when I wanna stuff my face and/or a list of reasons why I don't want to cheat. So, I decided to make a list of all the things that I want or wish for when I lose all this excess weight. So, here is my list:
1. I want to walk into a room with confidence not self-conscious because I am fearful that everyone is looking at me wondering who "the fat chick" is.
2. I want to be able to dance! In public without thinking that people are looking at me like I am a overstuffed sausage out on the dance floor.
3. I want to buy clothes at a store! I don't want to be limited to the "fat women" stores. I also don't want to have to buy my work uniforms online because I can't get a large enough size in the store.
4. I want to wear CUTE clothes. I want to wear CUTE bras and undies! I want to have matching bras and undies that are CUTE!
5. I want to shop at Victoria's Secret, in my 34 years on this planet I have never ever shopped at a Victoria's Secret! I want to walk into VS without feeling self conscious!
6. I want to go clothes shopping for my boys at those cool shops and not feed self-conscious that the teeny bopper salesperson is wondering why the fat girl is in their store because there is no way in hell that my fat ass is gonna fit in anything in the store.
7. I want to buy lingerie and feel sexy with my hubby! I want my hubby to think I am sexy. I want my hubby to put his arms around me. I want him to feel good about walking into a room with me on his arm. I want to have sex in positions that only thin people can do. (TMI)
8. I want to be able to sit in a chair and not have to think about the weigh limit.
9. I want to go on amusement park rides.
10. I want to see my kids grow up and have the energy to play with them. I want them to see me accomplish something so that they know they can do anything....if they really want it bad enough! I want my kids to be proud of me and to not be ashamed of their fat mom. I want my daughter (and my boys) to learn healthy eating habits so that they NEVER spend a single day overweight.
There you have it....MY LIST! I am sure there are more things to add to this list and it will be modified along my journey but for now, this is it.
Yesterday I did GREAT on my pre-op diet and today I did pretty good. I did have 3 handfuls of Fruit Loops BUT I didn't go over my designated 800 calories so I am OK! I haven't started exercising yet but it's difficult with a 4 month old baby and a husband that is never home to take care of her so I can go for a walk. Yes, I can take her with me but the weather has been cold and rainy AND she has a cold so I don;t want to take her out. I know, excuses excuses...I will TRY to take a walk tomorrow. I really wanted to eat today. BAD! Since Macy is sick she has been a handful and the added stress is a trigger for me but somehow I made it through without eating! Thank goodness. My lovely husband also ordered pizza tonight and that was a HUGE temptation but I didn't buckle under the pressure. The pizza smelled damn good though! I got a little irritated with him for ordering because he knows I can't eat it but I also understand that he needs to eat too. See, he has a "normal" brain when it comes to food. He doesn't think about food constantly like I do. He thinks of food when he is hungry and stops thinking about it when he is no longer hungry. I think about it morning, noon and night! That's why I am fat! Ok, I have to hit the hay. Goodnight! Hugs!
Chapter 38: This one is for me
2 weeks ago